Fitting In

All my life I’ve desired to “fit in.” I think just about everyone can relate one way or another. 

By fitting in, most probably assume at school or work, but not me. Sure, that’d be nice; but I don’t feel the need to fit in in those surroundings. I’m perfectly content with a few close trustworthy friends. Quality before quantity. 

For me, I’ve always wished to fit in with my family. Yes, you heard me right, my family. 

5 years 9 months, eight years 9 months, and eleven years 9 months is the timeline separating me with my three older siblings, I refuse to round up another year. Old habits from when I was young die hard.     

Like most toddlers/young kids I was demanded to take a nap (especially on Sundays.)  I would rest my head where you’d normally put your feet so I could just barely see out my door that lead into the kitchen. Waiting for signs of movement and listening intently for any conversations I might be missing. Wanting with all my heart to be involved with the “big kids.” 

As a kid I was banned from playing with my brothers and their friends. When around me they’d spell out the word T-R-A-M-P-O-L-I-N-E or B-I-K-E R-I-D-E to avoid having to drag me along. Thanks guys. 

As a pre-teen, I’d be sent to go clean my room, go to bed, or just simply leave when any topics were deemed inappropriate for my ears. Hurt and disappointed I’d walk away grudgingly no matter how many times I argued. Why was I the one to have to leave, why couldn’t have they left? I’d think to myself bitterly. To this day I resent them for it. I settled from listening from a far, and let me tell you, I did; with hot angry tears streaming down my face. 

I constantly wanted to be older. I wanted to be able to be seen as a mature young adult to my siblings. I craved to be accepted by them. 

Not fitting in with the big kids definitely sucked at the time, and I was very hurt and discouraged; but at eighteen, legally an adult, I don’t know what I thought the hype was about. I’ll never catch up to my brothers and sister. They’ll always be almost 6, 9, and 12 years older than I. We’ll always be in different walks of life. I’ve accepted it. I no longer desire to be older because once you are you can never go back. At 18, all I want is to be 10 again with my only responsibilities being chores and homework. 

So instead of living for the future too much and the past too much, I’m attempting to live here where I’m currently at. I’ll get to the good times when I’m older, but for now I need to cherish the good times I’m in. 

 

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